I want to begin this question with my Salams, as well as my hopes that you are doing well. I hope that you can aid me in solving a problem which I have, and before I begin, I would like to apologize for my frankness. Some of the questions I ask, I have asked from other sources, but I feel that if I ask them all here it will make for a more complete question.
From the age of puberty until now, (I am about 24 years old) I have committed a great number of sins; I have not prayed nor fasted, and I have engaged in the sin of masturbation many times. Besides these, I have also committed various other sins. I think that due to these sins I underwent many difficulties and tribulations; for example during my third year of high school, I was beset with many doubts about God, which bothered and tormented me. These doubts were not resolved and are still open questions in my mind. At some point, due to the effects of these sins and their pleasures, these questions slowly reduced themselves in terms of their importance to me.
A little while before, due to my engagement in an illegitimate relationship, I began to fear the consequences of catching a non curable disease. The fear of catching these types of diseases torments me, and as of yet, I have not gone in for a blood test.
Lately, the following problem occurred for me: Unfortunately, for many years, I have been using pornographic websites, and for several years, I have used a software which breaks the internet filters that are in use. I did not design this filter breaking software myself, and I think my friend sent it to me via a bluetooth transfer. The majority of the download sites, where you can gain access to this software, are blocked by the filter, but it can be found without breaking the filter as well. With this software, one can bypass the internet filters which are in place. I would usually use this software in public NetCafes and evidence of my uses would be left behind in the history pages. These would point to websites where one could download the software. I have begun to fear that perhaps others may have seen these links and used unfiltered internet, either knowingly or unknowingly. Furthermore, I fear that they may have become involved in these sins due to my actions on these public computers, and therefore I am liable for them. It is also possible that I did these actions on purpose, so that this would take place, and others would be misled. You may assume that I did have this intention, and now I am afraid of the consequences of my actions.
I had the email to one of the NetCafes and so I emailed them with the full information and explained the matter to them, so that as much as possible, they can remedy the situation. I don’t know if they understood what I said to them and whether they remedied the situation; I don’t even know if they received my email or not. Unfortunately, I went back to that NetCafe, as well as others, and visited the sites I previously mentioned to engage in my sins. In addition, I also visited these sites in another city, in which I was a student, and I engaged in these same actions.
What is my responsibility in this matter? Should I return to the city in which I was a student (to remedy these actions)? How should I remedy these actions of mine?
I accessed many of these sites with emails that I would receive from an individual; is it possible that my emails have been left behind (saved) on the computers and others have engaged in sins due to it? I also fear that my actions have caused the furtherance of the business or activity of those websites…I honestly do not know. I have changed the password on my email several times, but I still fear that some individuals may have access to it.
Is it obligatory that I send this information to the individual responsible for these computer systems? Do you know of where I should send this information? Also, am I responsible to contact my friend who gave me the filter breaking software several months ago and tell him not to give it to anyone else? Am I obligated to prevent him from his actions or simply to advise him? Should I do this immediately, even before sending this question, so that it becomes a sign of my repentance and no more sins are recorded for me?
In addition, I had an email address, which was used for others to send me pornographic pictures and videos. Out of fear of it somehow being left open and accessed at NetCafes, I have changed its password several times, but I haven’t changed the email address or erased the account so that I can see if I am still sent movies and pictures, and if I can see if someone finds the password or not. In the history section of my email account, it shows if others have accessed it and therefore I can find out if others have my password or not. Since I haven’t changed the name of the email account, people may still think I want to receive the pornographic pictures and videos. This may cause them to continue sinning and also, possibly, to mislead others.
It is possible that my intentions of not closing this account is that I wish to still receive these pornographic pictures and videos, as well as to corrupt others. I wanted to check my email account last night, but the password that I entered ended up being incorrect (I entered it several times), and so I think I have forgotten it. I have to try again until I can gain access to it, and see if others have used my email account or not. This way I can once again change the password or close the account. I have to check on this so that my conscience can be clear and I’m sure that I have no ill intentions.
I am also fearful that I may have changed the settings on the computer and therefore given access to others and opened the doors of sinning for them. In spite of all this, I have gone to NetCafes and accessed these sites many times. This is perhaps an indication that I still wish to continue in these actions. I fear that while asking these questions I may sound like I am innocent or oppressed, or I may not fully write down the reasons behind my actions. So in reality, I fear whether my repentance is genuine or not, and I fear whether I am truly penitent or not. I also fear whether I have explained everything or not. Is my sending of this question counted as repentance and penitence for my actions? Now, if I repent, what other things do I need to do to make this complete? If I don’t take any action, will sins be added for me day by day (due to my actions affecting others)? This very thought has caused me to be in mental torment and anguish. Do I need to make the owners of the CaféNet aware of this matter? If I don’t do this and I am repentant of my actions, will this be sufficient in order for God to forgive me and not record other people’s sins for me? Or must I do also go to the NetCafes and erase all the traces of my actions. Now what must I do to be free from this torment and anguish?
Unfortunately, I also fornicated with someone who had not yet reached the age of puberty, but I did not complete the intercourse with her (I did not enter her physically). She may not have been okay with what I did because she told her parents and the situation began to turn ugly. Irregardless, God seemed to have mercy on me and the situation was resolved. I also committed sodomy with several other individuals, of whom some had not yet reached puberty. With this said, these were not acts committed by force. Although who knows, it may have been and the other individuals did not say that they did not consent to these actions. In addition, I don’t know if they had told me, if I would have continued with my actions or not. In any case, (whether this action was forced or consensual) what is my responsibility in this matter? How do I know whether it was forced or consensual? I am afraid that my actions will cause the corruption and deviance of those individuals in the future (either by a little or a lot). I am afraid that either the rights of man or the rights of God will have been encroached upon by me. More so, I fear that these individuals will cause the deviation of even more individuals and this sort of chain reaction will continue, and day by day, my sins will increase and pile up. What should I do? Are these actions encroaching upon the rights of God or the rights of man or both?
Another issue which exists, and which I mentioned previously, is that I haven’t prayed or fasted from the age of puberty; it is also possible that I had khums (religious tax) due, which I also did not pay. In addition, I may have certain ‘Kaffarah’ due on me . Another thing which bothers me is that I may have unlawfully gained or acquired money in my hands, mixed into my wealth, but I don’t know how much of it is unlawful and how much is lawful. If I have bought clothes with this unlawful money and I wish to pray with this money, then my prayers will be unacceptable in these clothes. At the office that I work, even if take a short nap, then this is the cause of some of my money becoming haram (unlawful) and therefore my prayers also become unacceptable.
Likewise, the doubts which I have in regards to God and religious precepts causes me torment during my prayers; i end up doubting God. My life has become very complicated and I am in constant torment and anguish. I don’t really know if I am a Muslim and I fear that in asking these questions I am playing the part of a victim and I am not telling the whole truth. How do I know that my intentions are pure and my repentance is accepted? It has been a few days that I have been controlling my gaze (at non mahrams) and I am using this as my starting point so that slowly and over time I can also begin praying. Is this a good course of action or must I engage in all of the wajibaats at once so that my repentance is accepted.
I wonder if this action of mine is from being tired or having been shaken, rather than pure repentance. Help me so that I can know from where I should begin, and that I will be freed from this torment. I need assistance especially in regards to the incident at the NetCafe. My other question which I had was in order for me to be forgiven, do I need to send in the address of the weblogs to the central center for internet filtering who is responsible for the action of filtering illicit sites?